In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you’d find all the weird goofs that we couldn’t fit in anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag”. We don’t have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page.
Today, Jim’s sparing a thought for the guys who missed out on a spot in Mario Kart World…
Do you remember back at E3 2018 when Smash Ultimate dared to say “everyone is here”? Well, I’ve crunched the numbers in the years since and a couple of things aren’t adding up. For example, do you see Peepa in Ultimate? How about Coin Coffer? Does Cataquack mean nothing to you people?!
Those names I just mentioned? I didn’t make them up! Those are all real Mario characters and they’re all playable in Mario Kart World. I mean, how can you say “everyone is here” with a straight face if you don’t even have Cow on the roster?
World may have dumped the likes of Link, the Inklings and a handful of Animal Crossing options (as far as we know), but this is a roster that goes deep into the files of ‘Mario Characters You Didn’t Know Had A Silly Little Name.’
While I am, of course, itching to talk about how half of these newbies are even driving a car in the first place — Goomba? Fish Bone? Where are your limbs?? — let me be the first to say, did you not see the file named ‘Mario Characters You Didn’t Know Had A Silly Little Name – Part 2‘? I respect the deep cuts as much as the next Mario fan, but why not go deeper still?
Don’t worry, Nintendo, your old pal Jim has got you sorted. Forget your low-hanging E. Gadds and Genos, here’s a rundown of 14 deep cuts that I haven’t spotted in the trailers so far (not to say they won’t end up in the final game), but that surely deserve a spot on the starting grid. And yes, I am being totally serious…
Wart
Last seen: The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening
Come on, you can’t spell Mario Kart World without Wart (I checked). What do you mean, “Who the heck is Wart?” He’s the overstuffed frog who caused all that trouble in Super Mario Bros. 2. He’s also the singing frog found underground in Link’s Awakening.
If DK, Bowser and King Boo have taught us anything, it’s that big guys riding small bikes is a recipe for success.
Cappy
Last seen: Super Mario Odyssey
Maybe not the deepest of cuts, but seriously, where the heck has Cappy gone? Given the success of Odyssey, you’d expect to see Mario’s cap companion popping up all over the place, but have we seen him anywhere since? Heck no!
World’s existing roster makes it very clear that arms and legs aren’t a requirement to get a driver’s license, so it’s about time more inanimate objects joined the ranks.
F.L.U.D.D
Last seen: Super Mario 3D All-Stars
What, you thought I was going to mention one inanimate companion and not bring up the other? Who says F.L.U.D.D can’t drive a car? There aren’t any cars in Super Mario Sunshine anyway, so there’s no proof. Exactly.
Tatanga
Last seen: Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins
You mean to tell me that Dolphin made the cut, but the cute little alien in a spaceship from Super Mario Land and 6 Golden Coins didn’t? What’s wrong with this world?
Culex
Last seen: Super Mario RPG
You know what the Mario Kart World roster is really missing? Some hunky interdimensional beings that got seasoned with more than a little Final Fantasy spice during the design phase. Culex fills that brief pretty nicely.
Look, the Super Mario RPG Switch remake gave this big bad a 3D makeover, and nobody should work on their abs for that long without being given a chance to showcase them.
Burt
Last seen: Yoshi’s Crafted World
Sure, Poochy might be the more obvious answer here, but that cut ain’t deep enough! I want to see Burt driving a kart. We’ve got a stacked rogue’s gallery of Mario villains represented in the World roster, it’s only fair that we get some Yoshi baddies in there too.
Speaking of, why can’t we get Yoshi’s Woolly design in Mario Kart???
Fawful
Last seen: Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story + Bowser Jr.’s Journey
Come on, who doesn’t love Fawful?
I don’t really have much to say here, but you can’t convince me that Fawful wouldn’t look good driving a kart. Those giant white teeth, the potential for a billowing cloak in the wind, the bright green skin; talk about putting the Switch 2’s visuals through their paces.
Bully
Last seen: Super Mario 3D World + Bowser’s Fury
We have just about every other little guy going, but we can’t have Bully? Is it because he’s too angry? Is his road rage too much? We need answers!
At the very least, get him in Battle Mode so we can bump into him over and over.
Maw-Ray
Last seen: The Super Mario Bros. Movie
Really, Nintendo? You’re going to throw just about every underwater enemy into a kart (even the dead ones), but Maw-Ray is still on the sidelines? Especially when he’s appears in just about every single underwater course in Mario Kart Tour, and popped up in a couple of other courses throughout the series?
Come on, Maw-Ray fans, I’m going to need you to be a little more vocal about this injustice.
Question Block
Last seen: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
Okay, let’s get to some big hitters. Where the heck is Question Block? This guy has cropped up in just about every Mario game to date, but he’s still not allowed behind the wheel?
My theory is that he’s too good of a driver and his mere addition would ruin the series’ staple fairness. That has to be the reason for his continued exclusion.
Warp Pipe
Last seen: Super Mario Party Jamboree
While we’re on racers that have served their time in the wings, let’s hear it for Warp Pipe. And don’t give me any of that “it’s just an object, how could it possibly drive a car” nonsense, have you seen the images of Fish Bone behind the wheel? It’s a literal fish bone!
Standard Kart
Last seen: Mario Kart Tour
No, I’m not running out of ideas, you’re running out of ideas!
Chris Pratt
Last seen: Uhh… did anyone actually watch The Electric State?
The roster addition we so rightfully deserve. Pick up some Dash Food to unlock various Pratt-inspired outfits like Star Lord, Owen Grady, The Lego Movie‘s Emmet and a bunch of other characters that I definitely didn’t have to Google.
T-Rex
Last seen: Super Mario Odyssey
Okay, the short arms made me giggle. I’m only human.
