In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you’d find all the weird goofs that we couldn’t fit in anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag”.
We don’t have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page. Today, Jim’s heading out of this world…
You might expect a Back Page article to open with a joke. Something to whet the whistle before we dive into the whimsy. But you’ll find no such thing here. I’ll cut to the chase, dear reader, I have made a historic discovery.
Last week, while wandering along my local beach (yes, everyone in London has a local beach, trust me), I stumbled across a glass bottle, packed to the brim with pieces of worn-out, tea-stained paper. A brief glance at the label revealed a Hylian crest and the words ‘Merlot de Hebra – 1841’. I knew it was something special, so I dashed home, put on my Time Team gloves and uncorked the top to see what was jammed within.
I was immediately greeted by a piercing “Ya-ha-ha!” as a small leaf man appeared on my table. After swiftly punting him into the kitchen bin, I unfurled the reams of paper inside. This was no boring old treasure map or a riddle leading me to a pot of gold – this was the captain’s log for H.M.S. Calamity, a Hylian ship making its return journey after embarking on a trade mission to the Mushroom Kingdom.
It appears that the ship’s journey home was a fraught one (what did they expect from a vessel with that name?) and rather than arriving safely on the shores of Hyrule, the captain and his crew had first run aground on several “Other” worlds.
Naturally, I decided that the Nintendo Life homepage made the most sense for its preservation. I hurriedly took to my keyboard and transcribed the letters’ contents word for word, leaving no time for considerations about lore, chronology, or how so much text could possibly fit into one small, very real bottle.
Below, you’ll find what was written on each letter and the captain’s sketches peppered throughout — these sailors were clearly an artsy lot with more than enough time on their hands.
Captain’s Log #1 – “this is no Hyrule”
The sea is a mysterious beast. It has been four days since we left the supply dropoff in the Mushroom Kingdom and we are approaching two weeks since we departed Hyrule. I had hoped that we would be stepping foot on her golden shores today, but it seems Hylia had other plans.
We have run aground in a strange and ugly land, yet one that feels strangely familiar. Under the cover of darkness, you would be forgiven for assuming this was the Motherland, such a similar figure does it cut. But this is no Hyrule.
We plan to set sail at first light, though the darkness encroaches with such density that some among our crew have come to believe we will never feel Majora’s rays again. This “Dark World”, as we have taken to calling it, has all the touchstones of our home shores, but a search party reported things couldn’t be further from the comfort we all so desperately desire.
The town we assumed to be Kakariko has been left in a state of disrepair, with “Village of Outcasts” scrawled across its oaken gates. A great pyramid stands where our princess should rightfully abide and the locals, those that haven’t been turned into trees, were quick to tell us where we could shove our Rupees when we asked about procuring four pints of Lon Lon.
We’ll take comfort in the bows of the ship tonight. I can’t say I’ll be sorry to see the back of this place on departure. I pray we never come across such foul settlements again.
Captain’s Log #2 – “the finest portraits”
It appears my prayers have been left unanswered. The three weeks since we departed the “Dark World” — for which we still cannot settle on a better name — have been fraught with navigating the near-identical archipelagoes of one “Ocean King”. Now we’re out, I can’t imagine anything worse than returning. I am thankful only that our ship controls well enough to navigate its winding coastlines. Without my faithful directional paddle, I dread to think how anyone would be able to get to grips with navigation in this land.
But this brings me to the world from which I pen this log. Once again, our longing for home led us astray and we appear to have landed on foreign soil.
I am to blame, this time. Our current settlement bore such a resemblance to the home nation that I assumed our travel had progressed faster than expected. I was wrong. Arriving on these green-tinged shores, we were immediately welcomed by a fully-grown man dressed as a purple rabbit. The crew and I assumed this was some kind of exhaustion-induced hallucination but after we agreed to rent some supplies from the purple-clad figure, he was more than happy to introduce us to the land of “Lorule” — no, the vernacular similarities were not lost on us either.
Much like the land from which we last raised anchor, this world bears a striking resemblance to Hyrule. Even the great pyramid that defined the skyline of the prior shore has been replaced by a near-identical model of Hyrule castle (a feat I’m sure even old Hudson would be impressed by)! The locals are no less hostile, mind you, and after witnessing some of the neon-luminescent cracks that adorn every load-bearing wall or ancient structure, I can understand why.
Yet this is clearly not a land of savages. In our brief reconnaissance mission, I witnessed no less than seven of the finest portraits I have ever seen. So lifelike! Such an eye for detail! I was greeted with nothing but a hard stare when I broached the topic of procuring one for the captain’s quarters, so it’s another night spent in the comfort of the ship.
We set sail again tomorrow morning, hopeful that this next leg will be our last.
Captain’s Log #3 – “suspiciously large egg”
Oh, great Hylia! What have we done to deserve this? Yes, I had hoped that this leg of the journey would be our last, but not our last.
Not half a day after departing Lorule did we hit rough seas and disastrously collide with yet another strange land. The Calamity was worse for wear following the landing and required desperate repairs if we were to take to the seas once again.
That was one month ago.
Our repairs have taken longer than expected, yet I thank the gods that our environment has been a little more forgiving than those previously explored. I do not mince my words when I describe the island of Koholint (as the locals seem to call it) as a dream.
We have awoken on the beach of Toronbo Shores most mornings to the sweet sound of singing from a native child. The waters are notoriously choppy on the horizon, but we have come to appreciate our current situation as something of a home away from home.
Our suspicions were raised by the threatening Tal Tal Mountain Range which, to our sea-weary eyes, appeared to house an active volcano. We were quickly put right by a nearby merchant, who explained that no such rumblings have been felt since the suspiciously large egg appeared atop it many years ago. Despite my assumption that something fishy must be going on there, none of the locals seem concerned, so it’s back to the idyllic views and strange wildlife for now.
Captain’s Log #4 – “an unrivalled lunar spectacle”
It was hard to say goodbye to my beloved Koholint, but with the Calamity repaired, the high seas (and the promise of home) were calling.
Wishing to test the stability of our repairs, we were at sea for less than a day before we decided to pull in at a nearby town and check the hull’s integrity. While no Koholint, the port of Termina has been nothing but welcoming since our arrival three days ago.
Here’s a curious thing: as I reach this point in my account of the days gone by, I have a vague recollection that I have written it all down before. I have scanned my belongings for any evidence of previous work but no such notes appear to exist. There must be something in the water playing havoc with my memory!
Either way, a certain buzz from the local townsfolk implies there will be an unrivalled lunar spectacle this evening, the likes of which we will be unlikely to ever see again. It doesn’t sound like one to be missed, so I’ll sign off now and make my way over to the clock tower for a prime view. We may have been unlucky in our return journey so far, but I have a good feeling that tonight will be something to remember!
Captain’s Log #5 – “a perpetual state of ennui”
The moon was high over Termina this morning, so we decided it was the optimal time to set off. It’s a shame we never got to see the famed lunar event, but perhaps we’ll return again soon.
I truly hope that these logs are never read in sequential order, for my nautical abilities would surely be called into doubt. Today, we wished land-ahoy to that which we assumed was our homeland once again and, for the fourth time on this return journey, we were incorrect. By gods, I could have sworn that we had arrived on the shores of that famed “Dark World” once more, but no, these lands are far… moodier.
In the face of our usual Hylian inhabitants, we stepped ashore and were greeted by a tribe known as “Twili” — a rather horrifying little bunch with red eyes, potbellies and an unabashed phobia of wolves. The miscoloured eyes and wolf connection reminded me of an old novel series I was once enamoured by, so I coined the phrase “Twilight Realm” to describe these desolate shores.
Much like our previous harbours, the Twilight Realm is far from the lush greens and blues of home. Instead, this land appears to be in a perpetual state of ennui, with only the local Palace of Twilight and Sol Shrine to distract the eye. We considered a spot of sightseeing at both, but the entry fee of 25 Rupees and eternal damnation seemed a little steep.
We’ve heard rumour of four-legged nasties that come out at night at the behest of a “Zant” — not a name I have come across before in my travels, but I’d rather leave meeting Mr. Zanthony (as I assume is his full title) until a time when I am a little more presentable.
The crew is growing weary of this return journey and I fear our end goal is quickly slipping out of sight.
Captain’s Log #6 – “Hyrule, I have missed you”
Blessed Hylia, the heavens have shined on us at last!
I will keep this final log short for the scent of my homeland once again consumes the air around me — and I cannot fathom how long my correspondence would read now, were it digested chronologically.
We bumped through various, smaller settlements in the weeks after we departed the miserable “Twilight Realm” for which I shall spare you the details. Know only that I have added “Hytopia,” “Labrynna,” and “Holodrum” to our list of known settlements and have marked them all on the map, should another vessel befall the same fate as ours.
But none of that matters anymore, for the shores of Hyrule are finally in sight! Our Hyrule. The lay of the land may be similar to that seen in the “Dark World” and “Lorule,” but the light here is unmistakable. I estimate mere minutes before I can finally taste the sweet nectar of Jabul Waters once again!
A cursory glance through the telescope reveals a handful of purple rifts have sprung up across the land, though. I could have sworn they weren’t there before we left, but who am I to complain? It’s not as if they will take us to yet another world strangely similar to our own, is it? What a ridiculous thought!
I am placing this log, along with the others, for safekeeping in my trusty bottle of 1841 Hebra. I’ll store it near the window (now open to the sweet sea breeze) so I don’t forget it when disembarking. I can’t imagine the outcome if my writing were to fall into another’s hands!
Signing off now. Hyrule, I have missed you.
Quite the journey, eh? Do any of the captain’s adventures bring back fond memories of ‘other’ Zelda worlds you may have travelled to? Let us know your favourite in the following poll and then set sail for the comments to share your picks.
